Chronic Complaining [entries|friends|calendar] David Raine [ website | The Land of Crazies ] [ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

[04 Feb 2008|02:36pm] Character Name: David Raine Age: 21 years old. Best remembered for: Cynical, bitter, suicidal and various tirades. Became entangled in the love triangle of Mia and Tony. Reason for Abbott stay: Suicide attempts and depression. Current residence: Los Angeles, California. Where is he now? David was thrown into Abbott Academy by his parents who did want to deal with him. Once he turned eighteen, he decided he was independent and left the Academy to live with some friends. Adulthood was harsh and David did not take it well as he hadn’t fully recovered from the pain and trauma of his brother’s death, his heart problems the surgery that followed. He had another suicide attempt but was saved by his roommate at the time. Another few months spent in a mental institution and therapy, he was released; however his parents cut off all ties with him. David found himself sleeping on several friends’ couches for a bit while picking up his life slowly. Currently he is working with a temp agency, often fired or quitting his jobs within the first few days. He has no idea what to do with his life, but is making sure he’s just living it day-by-day. David still has to take various medications daily to keep his immune system and heart in harmony with each other. He is still reminded about his brother’s death but the pain varies daily. Romantic status Love is the last thing that is on his mind. He finds it complicating but does have his physiological needs. He has had a series of hookups at random parties, but does not wish to date and put girlfriends through misery while dealing with him. Wishing he were asexual, this isn’t possible and he continues to cut off potential romances before either of them endures serious heartbreak. 1 comment|post comment

Carry this CD for luck. [29 Nov 2005|11:03pm] [ music | Incubus - The Warmth ] Goodbye. Yup, this is me leaving Abbott Academy. I turn eighteen on December 1st and that means I get to make my own decisions. My parents have feared this day and are doing the best they can to stop my independence. Well, screw them. Will I drop out? Only from Abbott...I may resurface at another school or perhaps an asylum, depending on how crazy I become. That’s the beauty of the future, you just don’t know. Is this where I say my goodbyes? I don’t know any of you, really (did I care to? No) and the only person who took the time to befriend me is Mia Annalise Sanders and I’ve already said my goodbyes to her in private. I love that we’re leaving at the same time, I guess underneath it all, we are alike. Maybe our paths will cross, maybe not. It’s no real loss, I’ve “gained” all I needed here and that’s not much. I’m not so sure. Aside from that, I don’t know what to say. Yes, even I can get speechless. Or I just don’t care to write much. I’m sure most of you are beyond thrilled to see my exit, especially those who have deemed me a “douchebag” or some other lame retort. Perhaps you’ve all ignored me and I’m writing to myself...it doesn’t really matter. You're not wounding my weak heart. One last thing, seeing how this school really doesn’t help the student progress (half of “us” are still hooked on the drugs, whoring it up and/or acting up); it probably means our parents aren’t very concerned about our well-being. They’ve stuck us here far from home and never come to see us. Sure, there’s the designated Parents Week but if they cared, they’d come. Don’t even give me bullshit about expenses; look at the school you’re at. You’re loaded if you attend this school. So if your parents have given up on you, will you give up on yourself? If so, you truly are dead in the eyes of all. Enjoy life while you can, but know that these are supposedly your golden years. It’s a shame you’re spending it at Abbott because it all goes downhill from here. Pull the trigger now. 7 comments|post comment

You're not going be the one who saves me [21 Nov 2005|01:28am] [ music | Oasis- Wonderwall ] So I sit here wondering what is the big hoopla about being “original”? We all claim to be original and strive to be original but at the end of the day, there’s probably someone out there that resembles you. It's like a basket of a million things and everyone chooses ten. Out of the six billion plus people on this damned Earth, there’s bound to be some similarities with the combinations. There are countless deaths in families, abusive fathers, cutters, eating disorders and really annoying siblings. Sorry to shatter your fragile egos, but you’re not that special. One would say that I’m a bit sarcastic, surly, morbid and an asshole. Does that make me special? Not really. I know of fifty other individuals in the county with that personality type. What if you’re an asshole who’s brother also died? Then that’s just a fucking coincidence. It’s the experience that matters, how you react and feel/deal. If everyone quits trying to establish themselves as an original person, maybe your real self will shine through. Maybe that person will be "original". There's no need to shout out your "originality". Who cares? Only you will. Just simply be. If someone is like you, then befriend them, use them to relate when no one else understands you. My therapist handed me a pamphlet today and inside it read, “What Are You Going To Do With Your Future?” My answer? I have no idea what I want to do (even though I feel like an old man trapped in this youthful body). I’m not exactly the type of guy who likes to think about the future. Who knows, I could die tomorrow. An toilet seat from Mir, a jet engine from the sky, spontaneous combustion...life is funny. Will I attend college? Most likely not. I did not attend 12+ years of mandatory education to sit in crowded lecture hall for another four. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know how I will support myself but I do know I want out of here. I want to escape this institution and be on my own. I can get a job at the library where it’s peaceful and read books all day long. I’ll live in a shabby apartment where the paint on the walls are cracking off. It’s my fucking life. And if I lead myself into the sewers, at least I know I made that decision myself. I can’t direct the wind but I can control the sails. And if you’ve noticed, I am listening to a new song. You can blame it on Mia, she made me this horrible, horrible mix CD that’s been on repeat since last Tuesday. I need to stop listening to it. If you can hear it from the hallways, then continue walking on. You’ll hear it throughout the weekend since I’m staying for the holiday. I give her so much shit about him. It's about time I stop. The words fall upon deaf ears. If she's happy, she's happy. If she can deal without her pills, let her. 18 comments|post comment

Take this opportunity to pull the cord [11 Nov 2005|05:05pm] [ music | Mad World- Tears for Fears ] Comings and goings, comings and goings, sound familiar to you? It should since our school has a fantastically revolving door. Too bad the doorknob can’t hit you on your ass on the way out. I’ll admit that I will miss some of you that have left abruptly. You had funny faces, ‘interesting’ lives and I’ll miss the train wrecks. Don’t worry; there are new passengers to replace you. There are always people looking for a place to go, it’s a never-ending ride with no real destination in mind. Last year when I was at the prestigious Westwood Academy (aka a fucking mental institution), we had an hour of creative arts a day. They shoved us into a room with papier-mâché, white canvas, boxes of markers and paints and extremely dull scissors. Yes, I really wanted to jam the scissors in my blue eyes...I would have preferred the paintbrush. Anyways, that is beside the point...I hate the art hour. There were several schmucks who believed they were tortured artists and began splashing paint on the canvases as if they were the next Jackson Pollack. Maybe they should have modeled themselves after Van Gogh and cut off their ear, as well as other appendages. These same schmucks were the ones who never finished a single ‘masterpiece’ and quickly moved onto the next. I mean, c'mon now! Complete a piece before moving onto the next, are addicted to creating and starting pieces like it's a drug. Don’t abandon your pieces of works or else you’ll wasting time, canvases and art supplies. Goddamnit, people are stupid and wasteful these days. Glad I'm out of that institution. There’s a reason why I’m not enrolled in any art classes this semester... These thoughts of suicide plague me day in and day out. I can’t shake them off. As much as the thoughts entertain me, I want them to either overcome me or leave. I can’t keep thinking about it without taking action. It only leaves me stuck, stalemate, a stupid deadlock. One of these days I’ll place aside the morals, pull the trigger and commit murder. I will die and I will be free. None of this purgatory shit, take me to hell already. In a season of giving thanks, this is my gift to my parents. Happy holidays to them... Mia is taking forever with her mixed CD. This is just a sign that it will suck. 1 comment|post comment

Unwell [05 Nov 2005|09:49pm] [ music | Tears for Fears- Mad World ] This school sickens me, why am I here? I've asked this question one too many times, it's like a broken record. There's a reason for this entry but I am far too lazy to write anything cohesive at the moment. I promise you all a fiery, passionate entry in the future. Don't worry, I won't forget. I'm sure in a few days, it'll still bug the shit out of me, because the majority of you consistently bug the shit out of me. 2 comments|post comment

Die die die [01 Nov 2005|06:22pm] [ mood | very curious ] [ music | Tears for Fears- Mad World ] I love when people develop telepathy overnight and know all the secrets to the world. Seriously, someone tell me that ability because I’d really like to know what is going on behind closed doors. Apparently it’s an easy ability to pick up… Oh wait, maybe their hearing is supersensitive and they can hear information from miles away. Hmmm, two very interesting abilities.. Abbott kids, be careful...your secrets are no longer safe. Soon everyone will know. Let’s all become superheroes or better yet nosy, intrusive bitches. 2 comments|post comment

Welcome to the Fascinating World of Teenagers [24 Oct 2005|07:35pm] [ mood | scoffy ] [ music | Tears for Fears- Mad World ] I often fail to understand the “complicated” world of teenagers. I lied; I understand it but I don’t understand why teenagers make the choices they do. And don’t pity me thinking I’m missing out on the conformity fun, trust me, I don’t care to be a part of this “awesomeness”! Why? Take a look around and tell me what you see. If you’re lazy and festering on your ass, I’ll be nice and tell you: It’s sickening, it’s horrible, and it’s appalling. Let’s talk about leaders and followers. It’s evident that Abbott houses some of society’s finest soon-to-be-trainwrecks. While they are livin’ up this “amazing” teenage life with their promiscuity, hedonistic endeavors and bitching, they have the followers. My opinion? They’re worse off than the leader. The bitches and sluts, yeah they have their own life at least. Their followers don’t, not in the least bit. They’re busy trailing along, agreeing, making sure the bitches and sluts feel like the queens of the world. Wow, such a productive life to live, boosting someone’s ego with the hopes that they’ll give you approval! Oh, here’s an SAT word for y’all: cronyism. Yes, maybe they’ll give you some freebies or leftovers from their lunch. That’s just what I, David Alexander Raine have always wanted! I want to be accepted because people intimidate me, so I’ll just be submissive and kiss ass! Why would someone choose to live this life? I have no idea. Some might even say to let them continue on because several years from now. I really don’t care what they do, just as long as they realize how ridiculous they are, their existence here at Abbott Academy. So in conclusion, if you’d like to do something surprising, crawl out of their ass(es), grow a spine (or use the vertebrae evolution gave you) or better yet, a goddamn personality and just be your own person. Don’t hide behind this façade of “I’m not like that! I am an individual, hear me roar!” If you don’t, I’ll just sit back, laugh and revel in how right I am. You wouldn’t want that, now would you? 9 comments|post comment

Look Right Through Me [21 Oct 2005|01:57pm] [ music | Tears for Fears- Mad World ] Everything just sickens me, everyone sickens me. Leaves a horrible taste in my mouth. It’s like we go through the day and talk about such mindless, worthless things. We cry, we shout and then have the great makeup sex. It’s trivial, it’s lame, aren’t there better things in this world to discuss matter? Ooh, a television, yes that’s what my life revolves around. I'd like to think the world has more to offer but it looks like I am wrong. God (if he exists) created a lot of insipid, inane people. I don’t know why I go on with this life. It just takes too much energy to expend and care about. I figure if I just remain still, my body will adhere to this chair, I can fall into some catatonia and just remain here. I don’t care what they do with my body; they could move it to a basement or a closet. I’ll sit there in the silence, in the dark but I won’t know it. I’ll be gone; I’ll be somewhere else where. You might say that the world is a better place without me but I like to think that I am better off without the world. Pills? A noose? A smoking gun? So many ways to go. It just feels like the time to leave. I know it, I feel it. post comment

Drown my sorrows, no tomorrow [10 Oct 2005|02:22pm] [ mood | dead ] [ music | Tears for Fears- Mad World ] I thought everything would be better once my parents left but somehow this empty feeling inside of me grows. I expended so much energy in having them leave, but for what? To stay here at this academy that kills me day by day? The choices I make in life amuse me for the most part but ultimately, I regret them all. I was given this second chance to live but now I’m throwing it away. In the distance, I watch everything pull away. I pull away; I don’t want to go towards that direction. There's nothing worth walking over there for. I’ve lost all joys of sensations, mostly because I don’t feel anything. The food is tasteless, slips past my lips and down my throat. The sunlight is dark, its rays touch my skin and I feel nothing. I’m waiting for the world to turn black and white. Maybe I’ll jam a fork in my eyes and rid of the cones to speed up the process. Sure, I could become a cutter and feel myself bleed. I could burn myself, develop a drug addiction or go ballistic on someone else to feel alive but really, it’s useless. Why bother? Who cares? No one cares. Just die already, everyone just die already. I’ll close my eyes and pretend it’s all gone. And when I open my eyes, it becomes a little more true. Look at the world, pregnant girls abandoned by their lovers...students disappearing in the night, forgetting to leave goodbye notes....suicides.... It's such a beautiful world. It’s time to become another teenage statistic. This entry is annoying me, my writing is annoying me, and I’m annoying myself. Self-deprecation to the extreme. post comment

Go away [30 Sep 2005|01:33am] [ mood | unwell ] [ music | Tears for Fears's Mad World ] I’m not going to cave into the wonderful fun of posting pictures of my parents. Who really wants to look at them? In real life, they can move, but in pictures they’re just there. They’re staring back at you with the disappointment, the anger and disdain. I prefer movement, with them moving towards any kind of exit. If you want to see them, be my guest and look for Richard and Amelia Raine. If you can, curse at them or something. Just help a brother out and do what you can by shooing them away. Oh. Fuck. If I don’t convince my parents that this goddamn school is “helping�? me, they’re going to yank me out of here and take me home for family therapy. This cannot happen. I need to prove them that this place is okay, lie through my teeth, whatever it takes. Ugh, I wonder how much people take these days to pretend to be my friend. So what did I do? I asked the one person here at this school who knows me. Yup, you guessed it, Mia Annalise Sanders. If you didn’t know that, then you are truly stupid. She told me that we’re friends and that I don’t have to repay this favor but I feel like I should. I need to be even with her, I don’t like owing people and having that stuck on my mind. I’ll just do something for her; we’ll be even and go on with our lives. I hope my parents like her just for the sake of them getting off my back. This is so like them, to make me appreciate a stupid school like them. Just when I thought I was settled with hating on this place, my parents have to come in and make me like it. Maybe this was their intention all along. Damnit, I can't win at this. Ugh. You know what? On second thought, it might not be so bad to leave this school... Why am I even bothering? Oh, that’s right, I don’t want family therapy. It is the greater of two evils. I hope these parents leave as soon as possible. This is boarding school, we don’t need them here. We also don’t need this school shoving this week down our throats as a coverup for the murders. Have we forgotten about them already? Maybe I should conform and just forget about the four (five) people who perished. It’s the Abbott way of life, shit happens but we move on quickly. Ain’t that beautiful? post comment

Tell Me My Future [21 Sep 2005|10:49am] [ mood | peeved ] [ music | Tears for Fears- Mad World ] I find it funny when people proclaim to be in love only after meeting someone for less than two or so weeks. Unless you’re named Romeo and Juliet (we won’t even get into how idiotic those two were), stuck in a box together or have a preexisting outer body experience with one another, then don’t say those three powerful words. Do you really love this person? Chances are you don’t. You’re warped out of your lovey-dovey teenager mind, caught up in the puppy love moment that’s just plain ole sickening. You are the kind of person that ruins the idea of love for others. Don’t use the word like it means nothing, like it’s nothing special. When you say it to ten strangers in the span of a month, the word “love�? loses its value. I’ve never said it to anyone, what a shocker. Maybe it’s the end of this murder mystery that has everyone professing their love to their mates. Whatever it is, just stop it. The murders are over, so please end your vomit-inducing “love�?. I am protesting the week of September 26th-30th aka Hell Week aka Parents Week. At first I thought my parents would forget about me, shipping me to Abbott and contacting the doctors from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to do a little psychiatric work but nope, they’re coming. I have no idea why they’d want to grace their chilly presence here. They cannot force me to see them or interact with them whatsoever (I think it’s a mutual feeling but since they’re coming, I’m doubting it…). I won’t leave my room, damnit that’s how adamant I am. Ugh, the thought of my parents makes me want to slice my wrists now. I better die before my father’s “awesome�? hair genes kick in. I heard Tony has a birthday coming up…woohoo, another solar revolution for the boy. I won’t lie and say that I thought about Mia inviting me to his little birthday get-together. It just seems like something she would do, her attempt at socializing me, righting the wrongs of my parents…well, the old Mia at least. Mia and I? Sure, we vowed to stop hanging out and talking but we never said anything about looks. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of her in English class and I become transfixed. Then she looks away, the eye contact is broken and it’s just another day in Hades. Back to my point: would she invite me now? It always seems like we break our vows and inevitably hang out with each other. But this time around, the reconciliation process seems to be taking longer. Is this a sign of the rift’s permanence? Who knows? If she doesn’t invite me, then so be it. That’s my logic. It’s time to indulge in some MacBeth. I curse you all. 2 comments|post comment

Become Dust [12 Sep 2005|03:06pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Mad World- Tears for Fears ] Some people don’t know when to quit. They keep on trying and trying until they obtain their goal, or become insane and pretend they’ve succeeded. There’s a point when persistence becomes annoying, it makes you want to stab yourself in the eyes with a letter opener. Face reality, the cold hard truth, don’t dream too big because the bigger the dreams, the more risk involves and the more hurt you’ll likely (surely) receive at the end. Learn your lesson. Take your own medicine. Another murder and a girl in the hospital fighting for her life…is it just another day at Abbott? As morbid as this sounds, I expected this to happen sooner. Look at us, who were “are�?. We’re supposedly the lost youth, those who have gone down the wayward path. They send us to get magically fixed because they cannot deal with us. They are weak; they don’t want to expend the energy and effort. Isn’t that just great? After years of nannies, babysitters and now boarding school, when was there time for parenting? The problem is deeper than the surface; our disobedience is a cry for our liberties, for our self-autonomy. You were never the parent, you don’t have rule over my kingdom. The law may dictate guardianship but remember little things called emancipation, running away and the Melendez brothers. It’s time to immerse myself in the world of academia, the world where there are (supposed to be) clear cut answers and solutions. I yearn for knowledge, to know what’s left in this world to live for. If I continue living my life in solitary, without friend or foe, I better find a way to busy myself. Knowledge is the suitable replacement. Everything else, everyone else is futile. What the fuck did I just babble about? I don’t even understand myself sometimes. When I think I have a grasp on who I am, I lose it. I start becoming him and I start doing the things he liked. He would have liked Mia. I don’t want to be him, I want to be me. I want to be David Raine and live my life. But I can’t...it holds me back. post comment

Memento Mori [05 Sep 2005|04:25am] [ mood | melancholic ] [ music | Tears for Fears- Mad World ] Death touches us all, it’s inescapable. We are tainted, we are haunted by its presence. It permeates the air and many fear its wrath. But why? We all know its coming. We were born to die, it’s in the blueprints. You can search for the Fountain of Youth but you will only stumble upon disappointment. Don’t prolong your death. No one really wants to live the eternal life if everyone around them dies. There’s a point in your life where you’ve seen enough of the world, experienced all the pleasures and feel complete. I didn’t know Jasper or Lisa (duh) but somehow I doubt they had a chance to experience all the crappy things this world has to offer. I guess that is considered a shame in some eyes. She said she was scared, that she wanted to come over. I told her my door was always open. She said she wanted driving and guitar lessons. She never came. And then she became intoxicated, that’s real smart Mia Annalise Sanders. Go get drunk and party while people are getting slaughtered here. Yeah, it’s not a stereotypical horror film moment for you to get drunk at a party. No, it’s just incredibly idiotic, especially when you’re doing it around people you don’t know. Of course I’m going to let you crash in my room. Why? Do I care? We all have our weaknesses, I am aware of my own. I couldn’t sleep while she was here. I sat there in my chair and watched over her. I realized that’s how it’ll always be. I’ll always be watching, never interacting with. It’s just a movie, moving pictures and I’m the audience. I’ve never liked movies anyway. And what does she tell me today? I believe the words were “I don’t think we should hang out anymore.�? Do I even have to ask why she uttered these words? Of course this concerns what I had admitted to the other night. I can’t stop these humanly emotions. I’ve tried my best to suppress them, to deny their existence but I am weak and they overwhelm me. It doesn’t matter, she’s disappearing from my life again as expected. I thought about their deaths and how I envied them in a way. But that’s a tad too morbid and disrespectful at the moment. Yes, I do wish to cease existing but I cannot bring myself to end this miserable life. I wouldn’t want to go how Jasper and Lisa did. I’ve always envisioned my death as bringing relief and not the trepidation and shock the two must have felt. But I cannot decide how I will part from this world. I’m not God; someone else at this institution wrongly assumes the role. Well, Abbott Academy, death has come a-knockin’ and it doesn’t appear to be leaving yet. Board up those windows, lock those doors and become a recluse. I’ve advocated this lifestyle since I first stepped foot here. Life is bleak, it’s full of pain and terror as everyone has experienced this past week. I don’t see what this world has to offer after everyone has placed so much effort into making it a better place, yet people still get stabbed and slashed. Escape this world, say your goodbyes. Unless you’re a money-grubbing whore, a filthy politician/lawyer, an overly-zealous, close-minded person of faith or a girl named Scarlette in which case you should welcome the killer into your home. ADDENDUM: Mia, since we’re no longer hanging out…the class is English Literature. 6 comments|post comment

I Won't Lose Control [31 Aug 2005|03:17am] [ mood | unwell ] [ music | Tears for Fears- Mad World ] Allow me to start off this entry by condemning the disgusting habit of smoking. Actually, let me make it more specific, smoking in closed quarters. I don’t know who the fuck I live near but could you please turn the cancer sticks around and jam them in your eye socket? It’s bad enough this country is plagued with pollution and smog; I don’t need to breathe more noxious fumes into my lungs fucks up my respiratory system, which gets to my heart and god knows that fucks up the condition. Secondhand smoke kills, I know but that isn’t the way I want to die (noose, knife and razors come to mind). It’s called being goddamn considerate of others. Don’t come crying when your blackened lungs give out and beg the hospitals for a transplant. You’re undeserving; give it to the kid whose lung was punctured in a boating accident. I laughed, goddamnit she made me laugh and I hate her for it. Smiles? What? I don’t remember such things occurring on my face. It was a blur really, Mia being there in my room and watching her decorate it. And then her trying to get me to move, I was stiff as a statue. Someone tell me why she’s wasting her time, why she cares so much. I need a reason before my warped mind starts making up all sorts of crazy things that I might actually believe. I hate her; I hate her for making me feel this. Most of all, I hate her for the change, for this: Moving on, I met some new people in the last week. Before you call me out on betraying my oath of not befriending anyone, hear me out. I don’t like these people yet and I don’t have any intention of doing so in the future. As of now, they are merely individuals walking this Earth beside me, fellow pupils in the classroom at this fine (shitty) institution called Abbott. Person #1 is Alanis Something. She seemed to tolerate me so I played along, whatever. I doubt she’ll IM me again. She’s a hard person to talk to, or perhaps it is I who is difficult to converse with. But I managed to pull out an hour conversation with Lennon Ashford (Person #2). The two of us waxed philosophy concerning life/death, perfectionism, parental duties and other various, intriguing topics. It satisfied whatever intellectual hunger I had in the last week or so. Will this continue? I am a pessimist and my response is no. I hope everyone enjoyed the dance. Just remember this as your glory before you end up overweight, on welfare and/or riddled with the disease known as children. School resumes tomorrow, oh joy! 4 comments|post comment

It's Not Beating [25 Aug 2005|09:53pm] [ mood | blank ] Mia is back to confusing me again for the third, fourth, fifth time? I shouldn’t care but I do and I hate that I do. She gets to me in the worst ways possible. She gets me to feel all these stupid emotions that I’ve been working so hard to suppress. Stop it; please fucking stop it before you turn me into something I don’t want to be. We were supposed to have dinner the other night but that got cancelled due to some anxiety and nerves. Why? I blame it all on our ambiguous relationship. It’s a not a friendship, no matter what she claims. I don’t think we were meant to be friends. She has a boyfriend, his name is Tony and he is arguably the best thing that’s happened to her. God, I hate him. I hate that he’s turning her into some normal freak. She smiles, laughs, dances like everyone else now. The more this happens, the less I’ll know her, less intrigue and understand. And when I say understanding, I don’t mean her understanding. I don’t care if she understands me, I don’t…I really don’t. I don’t care if anyone does. Now she wants to come to my dorm room post-dance and give me a taste of the festivities, show me this “normal�? world. Tell me this isn’t peculiar and non-platonic. Me and her, alone in my single dormitory on a late evening. Doesn’t she have some “wonderful�? afterdance party to attend and get wasted? Apparently not. She wants me to dance; gee who the hell am I supposed to dance with but her? This is a disaster in the making. I will not dance like an idiot and enjoy it. I will sit there and try my best to spew negativity, David-style. If I can’t get the Mia I once knew back, I can drive away this new one. There, I’ve written a whole entry about her. I shouldn’t waste five minutes on anyone, goddamnit. Today was like every other day...horrible, bad, crappy. I have a feeling tomorrow will be same. 3 comments|post comment

Don't cry and stain my carpet [22 Aug 2005|08:30pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Tears For Tears- Mad World ] This gossip journal is heavenly on one hand but also the most annoying piece of shit on this fried Earth. I enjoy the mindless fools running around spreading gossip, destroying each other with their fears, hatred and deceit but some of the comments are just so unbelievably inane. I’d like to think I am at a school for the gifted but no, we are all retards. Case-in-point: It seems like everyone here is either gay or a transsexual. I guess when guys have close male friends, people deem them gay. What is the big deal with sexuality anyway? Its fluid people, it’s not clear cut. And the Bible thumpers? Don’t even get me started. And before you label me a homo, I’ll point out that I am striving for asexuality. No, I do not want to mate with myself; I just don’t want to like anyone in that way. I’ve already ranted about the demons of love and romance so I won’t be repetitive. I’ll try to be more careful this time around. I won't let have that effect on me again. I hope someone goes “Carrie�? at this dance and wipes out most of this school’s population. What will I be doing the night of the dance? Most likely reading some Emily Dickinson or Hemingway. Even though Mia encourages me to go, I will not. I am adamant about not participating in this school’s activities. She really wants me to go and I won’t lie and say the thought crossed my mind. But she’s going with Tony and her friends, how the fuck am I supposed to mesh with that? It’s a bad idea overall, cons outweigh the pros, if there are any. Oh yeah, if you can’t tell, Mia and I are talking once more. I have a feeling that this friendship is going to be a rollercoaster. I really don’t want friends but damnit, somehow Mia manages to keep me interested. But at the same rate, she annoys me like my mother. I informed her of some chest pains I’ve been having and she’s now worried like a mofo. These pains come and go, I assure you, Mia. 2 comments|post comment

Open Your Eyes [18 Aug 2005|12:13am] [ mood | restless ] [ music | Mad World- Tears for Fears ] I can't stop listening to this one damn song. No matter what I do or how hard I try, it's stuck in my head and beckons me to play it. Maybe I feel the sorrow of the song or relate to the absolute emptiness of the singer. Whatever it is, it needs to stop. I am not used to liking something so much to the point where I feel the need to discuss it in my Insanejournal. I will go as far and state it is a good song compared to the horrible music that is out there. Just because you can play an instrument, doesn't give you the right to sing/perform/write/compose. Screaming is not singing. I understand if you choose to do it every four songs but doing it every song is unneccessary and some sort of sin. Also, stop selling your oh-so-cool image. We want good music, not the artist and his or her personality. If I had it my way (which should be martial law amongst many other things), singers wouldn't have faces. At concerts everyones would perform a thick black curtains and there would be no MTV (that would also eliminate many other evils of the world). Screw the concept of celebrity and fame. Just give us your damn talent. If not, please take away my ability to hear and see. I went to the doctor's office today and had a grand time as per usual. I really missed the monitors and those stupid sticky pads they adhere to your chest. My cardiologist needs to get electrocuted or something because I don't trust her and her supposed knowledge of my "conditions". It's real bullshit. I bet she's overcharging my parents for everything she does to me in that hour-that-feels-like-an-eternity. Hmm, that might not be so bad to bankrupt the parents. Whatever, money is dirty and promotes evil doings. By the way, the song I am "raving" about is Mad World. Both versions by Tears for Fears and Gary Jules are equally good. If this is considered "pimping" music, shoot me in the face. Do it, pull the goddamn trigger and let "destiny" take its course. I also need to be shot for abusing quotation marks. So I guess I've finally purged of Mia in my life. She and I are now strangers? That's really great... 4 comments|post comment

Tattoos of memory and dead skin on trial [12 Aug 2005|01:49am] [ mood | remorseful ] Don't feel bad for me I want you to know Deep in the cell of my heart ( I really want to go ) post comment

Wither or not [08 Aug 2005|01:39am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | How soon is now- The Smiths ] So Mia kissed me the other night. It was my first kiss; I’m not ashamed to admit that. I guess she did it partly to get back at Tony? Even though she tells me it wasn’t, it should be the answer. I want her to regret it. I wouldn’t want her to cheapen her relationship with Tony because of me! Just kiss, nothing special. Lips pressed up against each other and people get rattled up. Whoopideedoo, people, kissing is not that great. It was a tactic, well-manuevered. I was a pawn and now I am out of the game I never wanted to play. So yeah, Tony and Mia made up and all is well in their little coupleville with all the other cutesy-gagworthy couples. They can kiss each other all they want and the world still rages on with famine, war and pestilence. This is why I don’t get close to people. It’s complicated; it’s muddled and not very pretty. I like books and when I don’t, I toss them into the fireplace. I can’t do that to people because apparently that’s against some law. I am seriously fucked up to let my guards down. I guess it’s a relapse of some sort. You withhold human interaction for such a long period that the moment someone shows concern and care, you instinctively grab it. I am working on killing these lame emotions, these yearns for attachment and whatnot. Isolation is an island and I am the sole inhabitant. Everyone dies alone. Just remember that. 6 comments|post comment

Get Over It [05 Aug 2005|08:21pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Asleep by the Smiths ] Consider this my extreme form of anger and frustration. I feel like a mess, such a mess, exploding emotions left and right. Someone please give me a reason why. I need a reason to be this mad/angry/disappointed/unhappy. Special rant of the day: People who complain about not having friends annoy the shit out of me. I hate it when people go “I need more friends; no one ever talks to me...blah blah boohoo.�? First off, check yourself out in the mirror and that’ll give you half the answer. No one wants to befriend a whiny, desperate bitch so please reprogram your social skills or sew your lips up. I notice a lot of things around here and one being that people don’t try hard enough. They’re all talk but no action. Don’t complain about not having friends if you don’t actively seek them. I’d also like to point out that I never complain about not having friends. Why? I don’t need them. I’m not very social and people tend to annoy the bejesus out of me. Okay I lied, I have another rant: Fuck you bitches for wearing fur and animal carcasses on your shoulders. It’s your way of parading your lame ass status as an idiot. Hi, look at me; I wear tiger skin because I’m a barbaric fuck! I’m no representative for PETA because they themselves are hypocritical shitheads so don’t lump me with those fools. In conclusion, don’t cry to me if I start wearing heiress remains on my back. And I will buy a Persian rug made out of real Persians. IT’S PRACTICALLY THE SAME THING AS WHAT YOU’RE DOING. I feel empty. This hollow feeling lingers around and I try my damn hardest to ignore it. The feeling will pass, it always does. 6 comments|post comment

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